A case for parental choice.
I am a mom of one child. He is officially a teenager, and is the most loving person I have come to know. I do hope that he has come to love because of the love my husband and I, along with all of the family and friends we surround ourselves with, our “village”, have given him. He is an only grandchild and is an only great-grandchild.
He does not have to share toys or time with us. He does not have to share chores. Push mowing the entire three quarter acre lawn is all his. So is the cleaning and upkeep of his spaces and things. He doesn’t share those things with someone else and gets full responsibility. He is limited in his friends and mostly likes to spend time with the kids of our friends. They are vetted kids and worthy of his time and attention. He also gets to do a lot of things for the first time alone, without the backup of a sibling. He cooks dinner at times, and only has to gain approval from his parents and himself. In this way he can be more discerning and receive only constructive criticism, the same of which he should give others after thoughtful reflection.
We, my husband and I, didn’t set out to have only one. We had been together for several years before marriage. Once we got married and stopped avoiding pregnancy, pregnancy was easy and quick. (I am overwhelmingly humbled and grateful for this as I know many other women have not had the same pregnancy experiences.) We kept the thought of another in the background, but eventually knew one was all we needed. He was a child of us. A mother with one brother whom she has only begun to get close to. A father without siblings. We felt that if we turned out this good, obviously our kids could without siblings. He is going to be who he is going to be. People with siblings, according to my personal statistics, have no real advantage. There are people on death row with siblings they loved throughout life. There are people without siblings who have become some of our most positively influential people in this modern age. I was told my son needed a playmate. I was told I needed more children to help take care of me when I was older. More children to show how wealthy I was or how much love I had. Do the people who say these things really believe them?
Maybe I wanted my child to be influenced more by me and my husband, his father, than someone else, even a sibling. Maybe I feel that my elder care needs can be met by others, like they are for the wide majority of folks. Most people do not get their kids taking care of them in old age in the US. I don’t plan on being any different if and when I may need personal care my husband can’t provide. My child deserves to make his own self determined future after we have given him a base off which to launch. Maybe my wealth is determined by how many other people I have helped and by my time left to do what I want, not tied up in college payments, supplementation of rent, home down payments, and care of a large number of grandkids. In this modern, enlightened, age, I feel that we are past the thought that we must produce children to show how much we can provide. There are too many others without to provide for. I am a Christian, but, Good God, haven’t we totally passed the “Go forth and multiple” Bible commandment now by billions?
When I came to the conclusion that we were “one and done”, I felt relief. I did fall onto the environmental reasoning. It was comforting, well accepted as a sacrifice, and despite being a bit flawed, at least there is one or two less people contributing to the climate problem most people are ignoring anyway. To be truthful, one big reason for relief was financial. One child means one room, one bed, one collection of cloths even if they are mostly second hand, smaller car, better car, one 259 plan, one set of diaper years, one to put to bed, one school to drop off and pick up at, only one more plane ticket. Also cheaper sitter fees, cheaper food costs, cheaper living because there are less people who want things. The fact that I could drop shifts during the first part of Covid without freaking out, the fact that I can be largely retired at 45, the fact that we can vacation without focusing on exclusively child entertainment, the fact that we can devote time to ourselves and each other, gives us more than savings for now and the next few decades of our lives. It gives our child a more mature upbringing, and a freedom to explore curiosity as a young adult, even if he doesn’t know this yet.
If having more kids is so great, then why do most people who have two or more complain all the time, or at least to me? There is a moment in time in which there has to be regret. I am sure it is mirrored by total gratitude, by most. For all those who exclaim the benefits having multiple children has had to their lives, how rich their lives are, how much fun it is, how they would sacrifice anything for more, what are your privileges? How many other people have been there to help you? Has your spouse or partner been there the whole time? Do you have consistent employment, employment that comes with benefits like insurance that covers the entire family? How far do you have to drive to get them to school? How much do you pay for their school if it is not public? How many hours of your day is spent homeschooling? Do you wish you had more time for all the other things that are not homeschooling? How many fights do you break up a day between your kids? How much time and money do you spend a year for sports and clubs? Do any of your parents seem not to have enough time for the kids, or as much as you thought they would have? Is there any abuse of you or the kids? Neglect? Food insecurity? Housing insecurity? Need for assistance? Are you a single parent? If you could talk to your 18 year old self, what would you say?
I love my kid and he is well taken care of in a two parent home with safety, food, insurance, a great public school, and dozens of other adults who have helped and would again at a moments notice. I am grateful for the privileges we have and for the knowledge that I can use these privileges to help create an environment in which he can learn to be a service to his community and take care of himself.
To have a child at all was a privilege of choice. I had choice and used it. It is a choice to have a child or multiple children. That choice comes with responsibility. Every parent, female and male, has the responsibility to care for the child they created, whether it be one or more. If someone knows they can’t rise to that responsibility and knows it, they should have the choice to not be a parent. Men should bear the responsibility of the children they create, and they should have more options to help prevent children they do not feel they can care for. Women should bear the responsibility of the children they create, and they should have all of the options to help prevent children they do not feel they can care for. Especially those men and women that society has provided less for, at least we can provide an out from having children they are not prepared for. It is a disservice to all, men, women, affluent, not affluent, privileged and not, to not provide this choice not to have children. Many get the choice, and are encouraged to make it, to have children. Most do not get the choice not to have children.
The debate for more kids seems like a very illogical one at this time. We are still on an upswing for global population, telling the privileged and affluent to have more kids, but also sending away all the immigrates who have been making up for our declining US birthrate this whole time. Progress is the theorized reason for increasing the birthrate I have heard. More people, more of the right people, means progress. Progress grows economies. Progress has gotten us very far. many of those people who have succeeded in the inventions of the last century needed to be born. Many of those were also immigrants and not born to the privileged and affluent, but that seems not to matter in this argument. Progress, for all it’s good, has also led to some negatives. Progress in our food industry and mechanization of work and digital world, for all the good it did, is complicit in the cause of our disastrous health and wellbeing. Progress led to a bomb that helped end WWII, and now we are still playing pseudo war like it is a game of “What do I have behind my back?” Progress has led to the near elimination of some infectious diseases to the point that they are now considered alternative facts and conspiracy. Progress has led to forms of communication and transport that have surpassed their intention and are now separating us.
We don’t need more people, we need more capable people. Capable of helping their community while also not burning out. Capable of collaboration for advancement of ideas with like minded people, not just people who look like them. Capable of having debate with peers they choose and who choose them. Capable of self determination, self discovery, and self positivity because the sacrifice for them was one made with the tools their parents had and not just wished for. Their parents were ready, able, willing, and had a village in the dugout cheering them and waiting to come up to bat.
My choice was one child. I hope all parents have choice, and that their choices are ones they are ready for. If not, I hope there are other choices they can make so their self determination and discovery isn’t sacrificed.